Impenetrable Blog of Fish: May 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Analysis of the 2011 Shadow Masks

"Am I dreaming?" - Captain Batty after the victory

Ladies and gentlemen, the vanquishing of the Shadow Masks in the very first game of the season was a watershed moment for the Catfish. The punching bag is now punching back.

Looking at the lineup, up and down, is something to behold. I see old names that have improved their hitting and, more importantly, their defense over the years. These people also -know- their positions. It's fantastic. I see new names that have injected an exciting element to this year's team and that is immediate contributability (tm). None of these new folk look like they're going to lie down and wave the rookie flag. Even Erin, on the DL, was willing to throw a Shadow Mask if he or she got too near. I believed her.

This win also re-establishes the fact that the Catfish don't quit. The practices showed that getting the rust off early is pivotal. The win by two runs showed that the Catfish didn't buckle under pressure. The flying clothesline of a Shadow Mask at first base showed that WE REMEMBER and WE PAY BACK in Macho Man Randy Savage style (RIP brotha).

---- Caaaaaaatfiiiiiiiiiiissssshhhh!!! ----

So, onto it:

1) The Shadow Masks' main weapon is their shortstop. The guy has a laser beam of an arm and can hit anywhere. In fact, he even said after the game that he "plays ball". This professional hitter is someone that, really, all one can hope is that he hits it in front of us.

2) Other gentlemen of note is Mr. Serious at first base, who knows his softball rules and can hit a good ball. I think I made him smile once, but that could have been a grimace. The tricky asian guy at the end of the order is known to be able to hit to all fields, while the tall, spectacled guy used his unimposing visage to sneak some powerful shots my way in left.

3) The blonde catcher, although cute, bubbly and all of 90 pounds, has a good bat. It is only a matter of time when she puts even more behind her swing and gets it behind the outfielders. Let's not get too in on her.

4) Given it was the first game of the season this next note doesn't have a lot of weight, but it was apparent that their outfield defense was lacking. A few dropped balls occurred as well as a few shots that could have been cut off earlier in the outfield. Maybe, for once, we could strike them there.

5) As a general note, it was quickly apparent that the grass was slowing down our hits (as well as theirs). This is important because every run we manufacture is vital since we won't get any cheap astroturf-rollin' homers. Since the Shadow Masks tend to flaunt their offense as the season goes on, we need to be sure that all runners as well as base coaches know the situation during each at bat. Gotta snag those extra bases Costello Style.

Ultimately, the Shadow Masks are mostly comprised of friendly people. The lady catcher was very chatty, the pitcher always seems to be in good humor, and the tricky asian guy even cares if we take a fall after touching first base. Who knew?

But don't get too comfortable with the idea that the Shadow Masks are some kind of cuddly team that would even consider giving us a half empty pitcher of warm beer. They are a cruel and fetid beast, and they must be skewered with Catfish dominance whenever encountered. There will be no mercy when we meet again.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Catfish Club Clubs Shadow Masks Club (with their Clubs) in Season Opener!

No, my friends, this is no dream. The Catfish have at long last reigned supreme and dispersed the foul and pestilent congregation of Shadow Masks!

“Foul and pestilent” may sound a bit harsh, but bear in mind that our rivalry rivals the rivalry that rages on between the Red Sox and Yankees. The Shadow Masks are no gimcrack team: hailing from the Media Lab, with that fancy new building, they surely have an obscenely huge payroll. And though we are fairly matched in power, we have not managed to beat them for some years now. The Catfish have been playing the role of the Underdog-fish. But no longer. The bottom-feeding Catfish have finally risen to the occasion!

The Fishes’ might displayed itself proudly early in the game, when in the top of the 2nd inning both Jon “Butters” Elwell and Evan “The Beast” Mauser tripled, and John “Butchie/JC/’Stello” Costello singled. In the bottom of that same inning, the feckless Shadow Masks proved themselves unable to pierce the impenetrable Great Wall of Fish: Butters and Greg “The Menace” Dokshin pulled off a fantastic double play!

Our offensive oomph continued throughout the game: Butters got a homerun; JC and John “Papa Bear” Tsai got doubles; and Kate “The Scalder” Caldwell, Katie “Hi-Def Hell-Dawg” Helke Dokshina, Marc “M-Lo” Lowenthal, Rich “Ryszard {pr. ‘Rye-shard’}” Wladkowski, and even yours truly, Captain Batty, got singles.

Throughout the battle, our defense was formidable: incroyable snags and stops by the likes of Christine “Savagely Savage” Savage, The Menace, Butters, Ryan “The Pickler” Picazio, Hi-Def Hell Dawg; and perfect pitching by Scalding Caldwell and Alexa “The Perplexer” Lash.

Celebration at the Muddy Charles Pub ensued with beer and pizza and the inevitable grapefruit.

I must also mention that on the disabled list were Erin “The H-Bomb” Hasley and James “Scraps” Lynch. H-Bomb dutifully kept score and cheered on her team until she could cheer no more. And yet, even then, she cheered relentlessly on. And the next morning, as the sun rose on Catfish Nation, we are all cheering ourselves relentlessly on. Each and every Catfish played a crucial role in this victory, and we can hold our Fish Heads high in the secure knowledge that all is right in the world today, and the Dark Side has been vanquished, at least for now.

I salute you, Catfish, and I command you to salute yourselves.

Next game is a double-header, May 31, against the Boston Braves. Go Fiiiiiisshhh!