Fish Fight Ferociously but Fall to Akamites, 22 - 17

It was a bitter loss tonight to the Akamites. We were flying pretty high in the bottom of the 2nd, and though the Akamites speedily rained on our parade we battled back in the bottom of the 3rd, but ultimately our lean mean fighting machine couldn't quite manage to kick the Akamites' butts as much as we'd hoped and dreamed.

We were a lean team tonight as we were missing some solid players: Savvily Savage, Scaldin' Elwell, Melty Butters Elwell, M Lo, Picklez Picazio, Valenti the Valiant, Hungry Like DeWolf--all were otherwise occupied. Still, we had with us 2 real live fans in the form of Hellie Dawg and the Laughlin Man, and we did so want to impress them by stomping all over the Akamites. And stomp we did--just not quite stompily enough.

It must be noted, though, that our bats were truly on fire. Everyone, excepting yours truly, >:P, got on base. Particular highlights include the back-to-back Abbate triples, and Evan's ground ball that he stretched into a home run. Doubles were had by Greg "Papa Bear" Dokshin, Butchiello Costello, and Tslammy Johnny Tsai; and snappy singles by Katie Rally-Cap Persons, Erin the H Bomb, and Richie Rich Wladkowski.

Afterward, some of us went to drown our sorrows at the Muddy and were treated to watching the Yankees roll over the Red So. I believe they heard of our loss somewhere in the 5th or 6th inning and simply lost the will to play on.

We end the 2012 season with 3 wins and 7 losses. Thus draws to a close what I am told by Charles "In Charge" Hale was either our 25th or possibly our 26th season as the illustrious MIT Press Catfish. This is a true landmark and I ask that you bow your head for one minute of silent reverence and awe.

In sum, thank you, Catfish Nation, for your love and support. We're getting all verklempt now just thinking about it. Please. Please, really, that's enough for now. We vow that we will make you even prouder next season.

7/27/2012	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	total
Akamites	1	0	8	0	4	6	3	22
Catfish	0	8	5	3	0	0	1	17

Fish Fall to Koch Blockers, 10 - 21

Another rough loss for the Fabulous Fishes, as we flopped against the Kock Blockers this past Friday. The 1st and 6th innings were what killed us, really. If you take those two away, the score reads much more nicely in our favor.

Highlights include Pickles Picazio's amazing catch (it was wicked high!) and usual hitting prowess; Melty Butters's 2, count them 2 home runs; John Tslammy Tsai's doubles and home run; JC Superstar Butchie's triple and other fine hits; MLo's sweetly smacked single; Hungry like DeWolf's single; Valenti The Valiant's authoritatively bashed single; The Savage's Savvy plays at 2nd; H Bomb's fine throw from home to 1st to make a crucial out; Kate "RallyWell"* Elwell's three singles, one in the top of the 7th to bolster our meager and lonesome shred of hope; Evan The Beast's high-flying hit; and Richie Rich the Nouveau Riche's stalwart standing by in right field. I as usual, was robbed of what could've, should've, would've been monster home runs. Those fiends!

Still, a grand time was had by all Fishes, because that is just our nature. We cheered them heartily at the  game's end, or rather JC Superstar cheered them solo with a hearty "Koch Blockers, Koch Blockers, they are real ball sockers!" Unfortunately the rest of us left him to make this cheer alone, because when he ran the cheer by us, his North Andover accent made that last word sound like something else, so we just couldn't bring ourselves to join in. But he has a mighty cheer and so I'm sure it sounded as if all 13 fishes were yelling in unison. 

H Bomb and I then dashed off to watch the Red Sox share in our heartbreak as they lost to Toronto, 6 - 1. Those dang Kanucks! 

Please join us next Friday, July 27, at 5:30, for our season closer against the Akamites. We've beat them before and we plan to beat them again. We'll be back on the astroturf. Please come share in our glory.

*Thanks to Savvily Savage for this clever moniker.

7/20/2012	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	total
Catfish	2	0	5	0	3	0	0	10
KBs	7	2	4	0	0	8	X	21

The BE Natural Killers: A Season Retrospective

Disclaimer: The author missed out on multiple beers last night and therefore never reached a state where he was able to dictate the forthcoming conclusion to unwilling Catfish listeners/innocent bystanders. Therefore, the author chooses this time to rabble on with mere coffee alone.

Rarely does a team trounce us four straight times (unless, of course, it was the season when we never won a game ... wait, that's a myth) but the BE Natural Killers had elements to them that stymied us for an entire season. As statistics show, if we played them one or two games more we *would* have won. If Johnny T wasn't running on one leg, if Butters didn't make that error in the second inning (OH the ERROR!), if yours truly didn't pull a Papi to first base ... well, the nitpicking will never end and yet it should. This last game was ours, and the next one certainly would have been, and then even the following game these guys would get re-named as the Natural Quilters as they'd be so domesticated. However, we must wait until next year, so let's see what four games against the Killers provided us for future preparation.

1) Unlike the first game's conclusion, where it seemed that everyone on the team was a juggernaut, it is quite apparent that the team really only has 2-3 strong hitters. There are a couple of other good hitters who can definitely get it to the outfield, in the gaps, and in places we wouldn't think to run to. But those 2-3 hitters are the ones who look like they've really played baseball before (re: tennis courts). I'm pretty sure we saw all of them in the first game, but as the summer wore on it dwindled to 2 and then to 1. These Killers go on vacation!

That's where we can strike them next year, since barely ANY of us (okay, okay ... I'm referring to non-teachers) miss a game due to relaxation. Eat, sleep, work, softball. If the Catfish keep a steady lineup, they can take down teams that are too busy holding the pina colada and palm tree leaf fan.

2) Their fielding is good, but not great. They've got some strong arms in the field, but they have to be able to scoop the ball to make plays. The 8'2" third baseman can get in front of the ball but he's not perfect across the diamond. The outfielders can't get to everything, and one of the left fielders actually crashed into the fence because he forgot it was there. The first baseman even warned us that some balls might go by him in practice, so an infield hit is not necessarily an out. If we can just get our bats in order, we can always make it a game against the Killers.

3) The Killers consist of all guys except for one lady who plays part-time. This is a point of contention every year, but I think I have determined the reason as to why the Killers allow this. Shot-in-the-Dark Hypothesis: The Killers draw strength from eye candy. They don't play their ladies, they would just rather look at them while they're in the field. Typical male chauvinist SCUM, but I think that next year we can stymie their Samson-like strategy. We get 3-4 Catfish guys who aren't at bat, throw fetching wigs on them, and stick them next to those Killers ladies. The conflicting beauty and repugnance (though which is which for whom, hmm?) will shatter whatever vibes the Killers in the field get from their non-participating team members. A-HA! Take on me! Plus, we'll get to see Matt Abbate in a wig. Well, think about this, it might work.

4) How to prevent runaway blasts to the outfield? Do what Kate and Judy did during the game yesterday: pitch low and pitch everywhere. From where I stood Kate never left the ball high enough to allow any shoulder-height swings for the Killers to attempt. They can be a wild swinging bunch, so to force them to hit low will result in three outcomes. They could hit a line drive (good hitters), dodgy grounders (so-so hitters), or crap (crap hitters). Judy's natural ability to keep hitters on their toes with creative pitches also helps, as batters will just want to hit the next thing that comes along. If that pitch is low, they'll swing. Give them little to work with and that will minimize the damage.

5) 22-4, 11-2, 13-4, 9-8. If we were to draw lines of best fit for each team's scores, the slope of line for the Killers would be decreasing and the slope of the line for the Catfish would be increasing. (/algebra) Folks, aside from that third game's dire 'first swing' mentality that kept the runs to a minimum, it is clear that as the season goes on the Fish bats and defense come alive. I know some people have individually stated they've gone to the cages during the season, but perhaps more people should consider it (I certainly am). Maybe we can come up with a list of places in the area that have actual cages for those at a loss? As for defense, seeing some excellent infield plays and outfield stops yesterday proves that with some practice we could arrive at such a point even earlier if we wanted to. Maybe next year we start up the optional defense/batting practices again before the first game.

We are a good team with good hitters, fielders, and cheerers. I'm not sure if anyone feels particularly down about losing four straight to the Killers, but know that the Killers have been put on notice. If we face them next year and they think they can just romp us over and over again, in the words of Judas Priest they've got anutha thing comin'! By the way, to further emphasize this point perhaps you could order some studded, black leather team jerseys for next year, Judy.

Fish Frighten Natural Killers, Force Them to Play Bottom of the Seventh

The Fish lost by just one run last night in what turned out to be the fiercest battle in the history of Kentucky Fried Softball.

We have nothing to be ashamed of, Fish: This was the team that beat us 22 - 4 on our first meeting! So we have clearly pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps to show them that we shall not go quietly into the Big Night-Night.

Our bats were on fire from the start as the scoreboard shows. Hits were had by nearly everyone, specifically Pickles Picazio (including a home run which we'll discuss again below), Tslammy Tsai, Melty Butters (two doubles and a home run!), John "JC Superstar" Costello, in his triumphant return, John "the Abbatoirist" Abbate, Evan "The Beast" Mauser, Marc "MLo" Lowenthal, and Rich "The Nouveau Riche" Wladkowski. And we would have had even more hits, had Savagely Savvy Christine Savage and Kate HitWell PitchWell nee Caldwell Elwell not been rudely burgled of their fine smacks.

Our defense was working like the finely fish-oiled machine that it has become, again as the scoreboard shows. The impenetrable-wall-of-fish-spirit was shown by H Bomb behind the plate, as she stopped a ball heaved from the outfield by her person. We once more had two double plays, in the first inning by Butters, The Menace, and Tslammy, and then in the third by Butters and the Menace on their own. I would almost give them the MVPeep award for this and force them to split it three ways. Or, to Butchie 007 Superstar Costello, for shining so brightly both in the field and behind the plate on his triumphant return from his fried-chicken-eating golf-playing back injury. But I cannot in good conscience give to anyone other than Ryan Pickles "MVPicazio,"* for his game extending 2-run home run in the top of the seventh. Crowds around the world felt this home run and cheered with us in their hearts, I believe. If you yourself felt a little lift in your step and a touch of optimism creeping in Friday night sometime around 7 or 7:15, you need no longer wonder at the mystery of it, for surely this is the cause.

And in this is our true victory, Fish: on Friday the 13th of July, in the year 2012, we frightened those Natural Killers, we chilled them to their bones! When we meet up with them next season, they will surely be shaken by this traumatic memory, and that's when we Fish will BRING THEM DOWN!

Please join us next Friday, July 20, when we play our pals the Koch Blockers on the "BB" field (which overlaps the men's baseball diamond, on Vassar Street).

*thank you to H Bomb Hasley for this moniker of cleverness.

7/13/2013	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	total
Catfish	3	0	0	1	0	0	4	8
BENKs	0	1	0	2	3	0	3	9

Fish Fried by BE Natural Killers, 13 - 4, But Vow Revenge

It was another heartbreaking evening in Catfish Nation as we lost to our natural enemies, the Biological Engineering Natural Killers. As the scoreboard shows, the game began auspiciously; Pickles Picazio started us off with a home run. What could possibly go wrong from there?

What went wrong was that our bats were rather reticent, terribly shy in fact. The only hits were had by the aforementioned Pickles, The Menace Dokshin, Tslammy Tsai, "Lil Commish [not so little anymore actually]" Eric Throop, and Marc "M Lo" Lowenthal. Erin "H Bomb" Hasley sacrificed herself for a crucial RBI (and this on her birthday, thus showing the true spirit of a Catfish).

Our defense, however, though this fact is belied by the scoreboard, was truly something to be proud of. We had no fewer than two double plays. All fish were defensively decisive: The Beast Mauser in the outfield, Tslammy at 3rd, Savagely Savvy Christine Savage at 2nd, H Bomb behind the plate, The Personablest of Persons at 2nd and short field, M Lo trying his hand at short stop, Richie Rich Wladkowski steadfast in right field, Lil Commish in the outfield, Erstwhile Commish Mark Throop pitching, alongside yours truly (Captain Batty)--we all had our fine moments. But the "Glove of Silver and Gold" award goes to Greg The Menace Dokshin, for his defensive domination and for making double plays look like a bit delicious piece of cake.

Ultimately, the Natural Killers killed us not with kindness but with their bats. We have vowed revenge: our plan to rise from the dead next Friday, same place, same time, and roll over them like one giant tsunami of fierce fishies. Please join us next week for this amazing spectacle of vengeance. If you can't make it to the field, you'll be sure to find us raising our plastic cups in victory at the Muddy Charles pub after the game. Fight on, Fishes!

7/6/2012	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	total
BENKs	1	1	4	0	3	3	1	13
Catfish	1	0	0	1	1	0	1	4

Fish Fall to Akamites despite Raucous Rally in the 7th

It was a wild time in Catfish Nation last night. The Fish shone brightly despite their loss to the Akamites. We had them running scared, Fish, don't you doubt it!

The game started well for us, but got a bit brutal in that 3rd inning. But we battled back from a score of 19 - 6 at the top of the 7th to a final score of 19 - 13! So we can hold our Fishy heads high with fierce pride.

MVP is tied I would say between Butters Elwell, with his 2 home runs and sneaky double (THANK YOU, BUTTAZZZZ!) and John "The Battler" Abbate, for starting that rally in the 7th, and hitting consistently well with 2 singles. 

But really, as per usual, all the Fish contributed to this hard-fought battle. Weisenheimer "Skully Pants" Weininger hit well, with a single; Pickles Picazio had a single and a triple and also some much-needed catches in center field; Tslammy Tsai had two doubles; Roast 'Em Rosie had a single and some crucial stops at 3rd base; Perfesser "Let's Geau!" Nedeau had a single and some easy-on-the-eyes catches out in left field; Pesky Pole Wladkowski would have run the bases with aplomb, had he not been cruelly robbed of his hits; the Valiant Valenti made crucial plays at 2nd and also got a single; Pitch-Well/Hit-Well Elwell pitched with fiery grace, as per usual; The Personable Persons got a single; The Beast Mauser had a beastly triple; Savagely Savage battled at the plate only to be robbed of her hits, but she fought back defensively, making key plays at 2nd base, with help from Hungry Like DeWeolf, who himself had 2 singles; The Baffler Abbate baffled the Akamites both on the mound and the plate; H Bomb Hasley contributed to the rally in the 7th with a battle at the plate that concluded in a single, and also showed determined hustle going after a pop up behind the plate; yours truly Captain Batty had a single in the aforesaid rally, as did M Lo Marco Bobo Lowenthal, who also fittingly made a beautious running catch in the top of the 7th, ending the Akamites dreams of getting further runs against us.

To top it all off, we even had our faithful fan the Photobomber Rubeck cheering us on, and a bat boy, Declan "The Whipper Snapper" Weininger, to keep our bats in order.

In sum, a fabulous fishy-fun-filled time was had by all, and We Will Get Them Next Time, Fish! That next time will be 2 weeks from now (no game on the 22nd), field 9, which is the grass field furthest down Vassar Ave. The triumvirate (myself, Marco, H Bomb) will be away, and the interim Captains Elwell will be heading up the Fishes. GO FISH!

6/15/2012	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	total
Akamites	3	0	7	0	2	4	3	19
Catfish	2	0	2	0	2	0	7	13

Catfish 14, Koch Blockers 9

It was a glorious day in Catfish Land last night, as we once again defeated the Koch Blockers 14 - 9 and brought our record to 2 - 2.

It was no easy win: We're still missing JC Superstar Costello and James Scrappy McScrapps Lynch. We send them our collective fishy best and imagine their injuries surrounded in a beautiful warm glowing light. We visualize them mighty and strong and healthy so that they can return to their rightful places on the astroturf. Also missing were the Abbate "Abbatoirists" Matt and John; Erin the H Bomb; and Erika "The Valiant" Valenti.

The Fantastic Fish played consistently well. Standouts include Charlie "Roast 'em" Rose, with a superior snag of a line drive and some fine plays at 3rd base; Butters "oh Hamburgers" Elwell, with his Grand Slam Candy Gram, in the top of the fifth; Pickles's in-the-park home run; Johnny "Tslammy" Tsai's home run; Katie "The Personable" Persons's Youkilis stance at the plate; Alexa's insane catch, sliding on her knees, to make the first out of the top of the 9th; and last but certainly not least, in my role as catcher I was pretty proud of my catching the rocket that Butters launched from the outfield, to tag out an admittedly confused Koch Blocker who was trying to share 3rd base with a teammate.

Hits were had by all! In addition to those aforementioned home runs, The Weisenheimer Weininger had a single and a double; Hungry Like DeWolf had a single; Tslammy had a double; Savagely Savage had 2 singles; The Menace Dokshin had 2 doubles and a single; Pickles had a single and a double; Roast 'em Rose had a single and a double; Rich That Pesky Pole Wladkowski had 2 singles; The Personablest of all Persons had a single; Evan the Beast had a single; M Lo and I both had singles.

Perhaps we were especially on our best fishy behavior for our FANS, which included Osa "the Mimosa-drinking Pup who is filled with sugar creams" Savage and her mama Colleen, as well as Emily "The Light Saber" Taber and Levi "The Photo Bomber" Rubeck. Knowing these fans were there, actually seeing them up close and personal, only increased the intensity of our game. Fish do it all for the fans--even when they photobomb our photosnaps with crazy faces.

In the friendly and sociable spirit of the Kentucky Fried League which is our home, the evening ended with the KB's cheer for us (MEOW MEOW MEOW CATFISH!!!!!!) and ours for them (They're good folk! They're not stalkers! We all cheer for the Koch Blockers!!!---devised by our own Marcus MLo Lowenthalius.

Please enjoy the lovely attached photos, taken by The Light Saber, and the score card, meticulously kept by Katie "I am the Green Monster!!" hellie-dawg Helke Dokshina.

Next game is next Friday, June 15, on astroturf field 2, against our old foes from years past The Akamites. Hope you can join us! Go Fish!

Analysis of the 2012 Koch Blockers (Game 1)

Before we implement our covert outfielders and psychedelic gum strategies on the rematch with the BE Natural Killers, I wanted to write something up quick about the Koch Blockers. Unlike the Killers, the Blockers were one of the more competitive-free teams we've ever played. Oh, they wanted to win, but I never saw or heard an ounce of aggression from any of the players. They seem to be like a Catfish clone of some days gone by, which was refreshing to see. They seemed to be there mainly for the company with softball running second.

A few notes:

1) Their batting order was top heavy, so if we can handle the first couple of people then the next few innings should run rather smoothly. I think only one guy blasted the ball pretty well, so if you see a guy who gets up to bat who has a warm up swing that reeks of indifference, don't be fooled. Back up.

2) I didn't see too many errors by anyone in the infield, so be prepared not only to make every sprint from home to first base count but also be wary of double plays.

3) The outfield seemed solid as well, though I don't recall what their arm strength was like. One may be able to nick an extra base if the ball is fielded deep enough.

I could also comment on how hitting to right field could be abused consistently, but why bring it up? The Koch Blockers are a crew of easygoing players that would fit well on our team in terms of temperament and personality. Since neither team really pulled away in this game, there will likely be a close match whenever we face them. We just have to remember that we can't just sleepwalk through innings if we hope to be victorious, for the Blockers could just as easily score a few more runs than us at the last moment.

Though I can't fathom what a Killers vs. Blockers game might look like, I do know that a Killers vs. Catfish rematch is like Game 2 of the Celtics vs. the Heat! Except we win... and Rajon Picazio gets a triple (and a) double.

Koch Blockers 4, Catfish 9!

Dear Catfish Nation:

Catfish were victorious this past Friday against the Koch Blockers! (Please note that is pronounced "Coke Blokers.") The attached scoreboard (kept meticulously by Katie "Hellie Dawg" Dokshina) shows what an exciting game it was.

We were quite a full team, 16 fishes of us at our peak, including two much missed Fish from the olden times, Alyssa "Wicked Pyssa!" Larose and Daniel "Mr. Zippy" Mickus, along with a fresh young shortstop the Fish have on our radar, Bea "Pee Wee Beazles" LaRose Mickus.

Batting first, "Pickles" Picazio; second, "The Perfesser" Nedeau; third, "The Menace" Dokshin; fourth, "Tslammin' Johnny" Tsai; fifth, Jim "Hungry like DeWolf" Dewolf; sixth, "Mr. Zippy" Mickus; seventh, "Savagely Savage" Christine Savage; eighth, "Butters ['Oh, hamburgers!']" Elwell; ninth, Kate "The Scalder" Elwell; tenth, "The Beast" Mauser; eleventh, "Wicked Pyssa" Larose; twelfth, "The Perplexer" Lash; thirteenth, "That Pesky Pole" Wladkowski; fourteenth, "The H Bomb" Hasley; fifteenth, yours truly, Captain Batty; and finally, "M Lo" Lowenthal.

Koch Blockers started out quite strong, and had us shaking in our Fishy little boots, especially given that we were once again lacking the zealous cheers of Phil "The Laughing Man" Laughlin. O where had his zeal gone, we wailed, when it was tied up in the 3rd? Why oh why has he taken his kindly, zealous visage so far away from us? Thank goodness we had the smiling doggy countenance of Osa the Mimosa-Drinking Hound; but still, we pined for the support of the Laughing Man.

But we are Fish, and we are proud, and we are fighters. Our bats were on fishy fire, especially those of Pickles, Hungry Like DeWeolf, Savagely Savage, the Beast, The Pole, the H Bomb, and M Lo, all of whom got singles; and even more on fishy fire were the bats of the Menace and Butters (doubles) and the Perfesser and Tslammy (triples).

Still, we were concerned; this was no easy fish-pie-in-the-sky win for the Fish. The defining moment, however, came in the 6th inning, when--lo, and behold--who should arrive to cheer us on but Ellen "The Big Cheese" Faran! Our fishy spirits soared and we likewise rose to the occasion. As it happened, with one out, H Bomb got on base after a long battle at the plate. I then managed to get on through a fielder's choice. H Bomb was out at 2nd--2 outs. Would this be the crushing end of the inning? No: Next, M Lo stepped up and kept the fires burning, getting me to 2nd and himself to first. Tension building, Pickles stepped up. "NO PRESH, PICKLES!" we screamed, but there was no need; Pickles kept the streak going and I advanced to 3rd. Next, to the plate, stepped the Perfesser. He paused for a moment, put his finger to his mouth, and worked out some complicated philosophical proof in his head; satisfied, he nodded to the pitcher and with a steely gleam in his eye he smashed himself a hit that took him on a journey all the way to 3rd base. THREE FISHY RUNS SCORE! With this cushion buoying us up, we felt strong going into the top of the 7th, and we proceeded (props to Pickles, Tslammy, and once again the Perfesser) to shut those Koch Blockers down.

I think we can safely say that our soaring flight in the final two innings are thanks to the fearless, forceful cheering of The Big Cheese Faran.

Our next game is Friday, June 1, on the baseball diamond "BB" field (see attached map below), at 5:30 vs. the dastardly BE Natural Killers. I unfortunately will be unable to attend, but I am sure that my fellow fishies will make me proud.

Catfish Robbed of Victory That Was Rightfully Theirs on Opening Day

Catfish Nation: It was a rough season opener for the Catfish. The B(iological) E(ngineering) Natural Killers consisted mainly of one beefcake after another, smashing the ball over the fence and terrorizing the tennis players on the other side. Still, as is our wont, we had piles of fun times.

Two rookies joined us, and they shone and sparkled in the Friday late afternoon sun: Katie "The Most Personable of Personages" Persons, and Jonathan "The Perfesser" Nedeau. (We hear he's got some book larnin' under his belt.) The Perfesser pulled a neat trick at 3rd base, pulling way into left-center field to make a stunning catch and thwart one of the BENK's numerous lefties; he also got on base with some solid hits. KP the Personable won us over at shortstop and 3rd, and she says she will continue to play shortstop for us so long as the pigs are flying and heck is frozen over. We are hoping that rookie Jim “Hungry Like DeWolf” DeWolf will be joining us in the near future.

Other highlights: Kate “The Scalder” Elwell, née “The Scalder” Caldwell, was pitching perfectly. Johnny Tslammin' Tsai scored our first run and also had a lovely double (not to mention his many fantastic plays at 1st, where he proved he's willing to stretch like Gumby to get those outs for the Fish). The 4th inning defensively belonged to Marc "M Lo" Lowenthal, who single-handedly made all the outs himself, catching fly balls and line drives like a frog catches flies. Savagely Savage Chrstine Savage was robbed of some truly stunning hits, and Ryan "The Pickler" Picazio had some great catches out in center field. Jon "Butters" Elwell, Rich "That Pesky Pole" Wladkowski, Evan "The Beast" Mauser, and Alexa "The Perplexer" (who did indeed perplex the BENKs with her baserunning skillz) also shone, with terrific plays in the outfield and solid hitting.

If we shone so much, you may ask, why was the final score BENKs 22, Catfish 4?

I would say there are a few reasons for this discrepancy. One is that we were missing some key players. Katie "Hellie Dawg" Helke Dokshina, it turns out, has a Hellie Puppy in the oven! So we had to relegate her to scorekeeping. We swaddled her up good in bubble wrap and set up a row of backpacks and bags in front of her for protection. We will miss her this season at 3rd, but given that she has a little Catfish-to-be to think about, we think this sacrifice is worth it. Papa-to be Greg The Menace Dokshin was away at a conference, learning biological secrets that will help us to defeat the BENKs in the future. John “JC Superstar” Costello is on the DL with a sore back (which he arguably brought on himself by going golfing with Josh Beckett and eating too much fried chicken, but still, we hold no grudges, we only want him to be healthy). David “The Weisenheimer” Weininger, also out with a troubled back. James “Scrappy Scraps” Lynch is also on the DL with some tricky shoulder issues, and we missed his barefoot flight around the bases. Jose "Hot Stuff" Herrero, also on the DL, recovering from surgery to his knee. Matthew “The Baffler” Abbate was on the “I have 3 kids who are busier than Barack Obama and I need to drive them around” list. Erin F-Bomb Hasley was on the “oh no, we play FRIDAYS? But I already made plans that cannot be broken!” list, and was out and about wining and dining friends who were in from out of town. (We can only hope that some f bombs were dropped in honor of the Fish’s catastrophic loss.)

But perhaps the deeper reason for our falling short is this: We Catfish have a little thing we like to call Tradition. And Tradition tells us to start off slow, even one might say somewhat pathetically, and then slowly, stealthily build up steam, like a gathering storm, until we are a raging school of furious, snorting, wild Catfish, taking down everyone in our path. That is our plan for the rest of the season, and we do hope you join us for that wild and crazy ride.

Next game: this Friday against the Koch Blockers, on astrotruf field 2, at 5:30.

(Note: The Beast Mauser has kindly typed up a game analysis of our opener, available at http://impenetrableblogoffish.blogspot.com/.)

Analysis of the BE Natural Killers (Game 1)

As the softball landed in the tennis court for the second time in the game, nearly wiping out one of MIT's monotoned populace, I began to think a little more deeply about the moniker of the team we were facing. I know that "BE" stands for some kind of engineering company, but it could also mean "Bludgeoning Effectively", "Big EEK", or "Behold, Effortlessness". They don't really need the last two words, but I'll delve into those individually.

"Natural": As in, some of these guys are naturals. A few of the hitters had batting stances/dances that reminded me of the old 80s/90s hitters that my brother used to imitate. Bats a-waving (Tony Gwynn), arms a-buggin' (Julio Franco) and the seemingly indifferent (Eric Davis) all showed up, and they all found a way to hit the ball in places we weren't or could not be. I had never seen so many swing-and-misses in a slow pitch softball game from a bunch of seemingly awkward batters before this game, and yet when they connected the balls just blasted to various parts of the field. For the first game back from the offseason, needless to say our defense had a difficult time catching up. I'm not sure if it would have helped even at midseason!

There also aren't any predictable outs on the team. The lone lady on the team can hit a pitch with strength, the wayward swinging guys can zing liners to the short field, and the guy who looks like he is automatically going to pull the ball just hits it the other way. Essentially, we can't just wait out the heart of the lineup and capitalize on certain sections of hitters; we need to get outs or we will be out in the field forever.

"Killers": Well, this bit should be obvious. They killed us. Tons of hits, runs, and tricky pitches. (By the way, the pitcher is crafty and tends to send speedy softballs, not tomatoes over the middle.) But where they really killed us is their manipulation of our competitive spirit. Usually when we get annihilated we think the excess tagging up, baserunning, and softball mauling is childish and stands for something lacking in their lives. However, every player on the other team was upbeat, humorous, and generally nice. TOO NICE! With this added weapon of affable personalities, we could not sum up a collective dislike of their team. How do you thrash a team when the shortstop compliments you on the ground ball that you hit (ahem)?

Well, if we are going to beat these guys next time (and the next ... and the next ...) I have a few strategies:

a) John Tsai needs to get taller. As in, we should put him on the rack and stretch him. He laid out for that Butters fireball on a key play, but he only just got it. If we can get him to, say, seven feet tall then no matter where the throws go we'll get those speedy runners out.

b) Place fielders in covert places to catch those elusive fly balls. Place two on the tennis courts, one on the opposite field, one on the metal bench, and one in that red broadcasting booth (?) that Alexa pointed out in the outfield. These players should be dressed similar to those who are in the outfield, so that when it looks like the regular outfielder won't get the ball, they should hide in a camouflaged area. That way, when the hidden fielder arrives with the caught softball it looks like an outfielder actually made the catch (at superspeed and without boundary, sure). Who is up for digging holes, placing mirrors, and planting a line of incongruous shrubberies by the fence?

c) Pepper the ball. Kate needs to wear gloves when she pitches so that she is not affected, but the idea is to lace a game ball with pepper. When the ball heads over the plate the opposing hitters will get a case of the sneezes and, thus, make even more awkward swings at the ball. When the other team takes the field, be sure to switch out the pepper ball with a different ball so they don't suspect anything. Oh, make sure the switched ball is corked ... so we can launch it through windows OVER the tennis courts!

If we do these three things we can beat these guys. Better hitting, defense, and a decent buzz might also help.